Dear Professor Blackstone,
I am Randi, currently pursuing a degree in sustainable infrastructure engineering, building services. As I follow my aspirations, I am inspired by the world’s differently-abled and the needy community. How they cope with what little they have makes me appreciate life and all the blessings that I have been bestowed with, most importantly; my supporting family.
Art is my escape from work. I resort to my brush and canvas to release any tension I have, and I am also an avid reader. My tastes are pretty contemporary, yet I read almost anything; be it a magazine or book, which gets into my hands.
I consider myself a relaxed person most of the time. When I am entrusted with a responsibility, I am serious about the task at hand and will not waver my determination until the job is seen through successfully. People find me easy to work with and helpful when engaging in group activities. Teamwork is something vital in any age of our life. When I had the honor of partaking in two model United Nations conferences, both of which are now major Asian MUN phenomena, I had to work both for myself, as a country representative, and as a member of a resolution. This brought me to the idea of how many people standing together could have a huge impact on society than when one person stands for himself/herself.
But there are times that I lack confidence regardless of how prepared I am, I tend to have ‘what if’ thoughts skimming through my head. To overcome this, I am focusing on self-growth and to believe more in myself. By studying this module under your guidance, I look forward to further enhance my communication skills which will help me to understand others better while making myself clearer.
Sincerely,
Randi V.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Randi,
ReplyDeleteIt is great to know how you appreciate life and all the blessings that you have been bestowed. I often find myself taking things for granted and constantly trying to change it. However, I felt that some sentences can be restructure to sound better.
1.Last April I graduated from the Republic polytechnic with a diploma in green building and energy management.(Last April, I graduated from Republic Polytechnic with a diploma in green building and energy management.)
2.I had to work both for myself, as a country representative, and as a member of a resolution.(I had to work as a country representative, and as a member of a resolution.)
3.I look forward to further enhance my communication skills which will help me to understand others better while making myself clearer. (expressing myself clearly??)
Let's work together to achieve our goals for this module!
Here are some of my thoughts for your introduction:
Your letter is detailed and there is a good flow. There is proper paragraphing which makes it easy to read.
Dear Randi,
ReplyDeleteSome comments on your letter:
Content - Great information and experiences shared, especially in regards to your work as a representative at United Nations. And I find it really beautiful how art is your form of way to de-stress. I've always admired people who do deeds for the greater good and give back to the community.
Organisation: Your letter has really good paragraphing and it's well organized. It made reading much easier!
Language Use: Really love how you use a range of vocabularies. Though there are some grammar mistakes I would like to point out.
For example, in your first paragraph. "Last April I graduated from the Republic polytechnic with a diploma...". The Republic polytechnic should be written with the "the".
Another mistake that I've noticed was: "How they cope with what little they have..."
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think it should be written as "How they cope with how little they have.."
Overall, your letter is really well written. I hope we can achieve our goals for this module and I look forward in working with you in the future.
Best regards,
Jorine Ng
Dear Randi
ReplyDeleteOverall: 24/30 :)
I like the flow of your sentences from one paragraph to the next. All the points were also covered and written in detail with good explanation of your interests. I gave you a score of 8/10 for content.
In terms of organisation, your email is well-organised with different paragraphs and your sentences are well-structured. I gave you a score of 8/10 for organisation.
Lastly for the language used, there were minor grammar mistakes that was spotted however I like the good use of vocabulary. I gave you a score of 8/10 for language used.
Overall, I gave you a score of 24/30. :)
Regards
Hafizah
Dear Randi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this well-crafted, impassioned introductory letter. I enjoyed learning about your background and interests, in particular, the deep passion you have for your family, art and reading. Your appreciation for your station in life also resonates in this letter.
I also like the way you weave into a discussion of your experience your comm skills strengths and weaknesses. Your work in the model UN seems especially edifying.
Overall, your writing is clear and concise, yet quite complete with the use of fine details to illustrate. Language -wise, there are only a few language issues to take note of:
1. sentence structure & punctuation
-- most importantly; my supporting family. >>> (semi-colon?)
-- I read almost anything; be it a magazine or book... >>> ?
-- I lack confidence regardless of how prepared I am, I tend to have ‘what if’ thoughts skimming through my head. >>> (comma splice)
-- I look forward to further enhance my communication skills which ... >>> I look forward to further enhancing my communication skills, which ...
2. verb issues
-- I am focusing on self-growth and to believe.... >>> (lack of parallelism)
Even with these minor blemishes, this letter shows that you’re already engaged in healthy reflection and well on the way to achieving your module goals.
I look forward to learning more about you this term.
Cheers,
Brad